Today is the 3rd anniversary of the day my gram died. I held her hand as she went, and that is a moment that will never leave me. Grief still comes in waves. I know that that everyone's grandmothers die, but mine was one of my very best friends and the absolute best woman I had ever known.
Tonight as I watched the newest episode of Glee, I felt heavy and light at the same time. I thought of a dear friend who harmed herself a lot in high school. I remember her describing how dark she felt, and I remember taking a knife from her and cleaning the blood off her wrists. I remember nights in fear as both of us worried she might take her own life.
As far as I know this friend is doing great now and living a happy life. And I'm glad for that.
I then thought more about my grandmother and the harsh experiences she went through, and her positive attitude and strength and grace that never left her. I think of the nights she went dancing, the gardens she grew, the books she read, all the dessert she ate, and the countries she traveled. My grandmother did not take a day for granted, and I am filled with shame when I think about all the time with her that I took for granted. I would give anything just to have one afternoon with her, to introduce her to Travis, and to hug her.
I guess tonight was an affirmation of the goals I have set for myself this year. I don't want to waste anymore time doing anything halfway. If something is not making me happy or not working, then it needs to change. No wallowing, no lingering. Lots of enjoying and lovely moments and making the best.
Tonight as I watched the newest episode of Glee, I felt heavy and light at the same time. I thought of a dear friend who harmed herself a lot in high school. I remember her describing how dark she felt, and I remember taking a knife from her and cleaning the blood off her wrists. I remember nights in fear as both of us worried she might take her own life.
As far as I know this friend is doing great now and living a happy life. And I'm glad for that.
I then thought more about my grandmother and the harsh experiences she went through, and her positive attitude and strength and grace that never left her. I think of the nights she went dancing, the gardens she grew, the books she read, all the dessert she ate, and the countries she traveled. My grandmother did not take a day for granted, and I am filled with shame when I think about all the time with her that I took for granted. I would give anything just to have one afternoon with her, to introduce her to Travis, and to hug her.
I guess tonight was an affirmation of the goals I have set for myself this year. I don't want to waste anymore time doing anything halfway. If something is not making me happy or not working, then it needs to change. No wallowing, no lingering. Lots of enjoying and lovely moments and making the best.
3 comments:
so true. i love you.
hear, hear. (here, here?) i love you too.
i like this post. "if something is not making me happy, it needs to change." that's definitely been something i've been feeling and trying to think about a lot lately and you put it very nicely. i wish we lived closer, i think we'd be good friends :)
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