thinking about time

Today is the 3rd anniversary of the day my gram died. I held her hand as she went, and that is a moment that will never leave me. Grief still comes in waves. I know that that everyone's grandmothers die, but mine was one of my very best friends and the absolute best woman I had ever known.

Tonight as I watched the newest episode of Glee, I felt heavy and light at the same time. I thought of a dear friend who harmed herself a lot in high school. I remember her describing how dark she felt, and I remember taking a knife from her and cleaning the blood off her wrists. I remember nights in fear as both of us worried she might take her own life.

As far as I know this friend is doing great now and living a happy life. And I'm glad for that.

I then thought more about my grandmother and the harsh experiences she went through, and her positive attitude and strength and grace that never left her. I think of the nights she went dancing, the gardens she grew, the books she read, all the dessert she ate, and the countries she traveled. My grandmother did not take a day for granted, and I am filled with shame when I think about all the time with her that I took for granted. I would give anything just to have one afternoon with her, to introduce her to Travis, and to hug her.

I guess tonight was an affirmation of the goals I have set for myself this year. I don't want to waste anymore time doing anything halfway. If something is not making me happy or not working, then it needs to change. No wallowing, no lingering. Lots of enjoying and lovely moments and making the best. 

carry on

right now i am loving fun.'s new album some nights. i think this song is very moving, and i am singing it to you my dear friends. if you are ever having a rough time, please read or listen to this. Press play and scroll through the words:

Carry on

Well I woke up to the sound of silence

the cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight

and I found you with a bottle of wine

your head in the curtains

and heart like the fourth of July

You swore and said

We are not

We are not shining stars

This I know

Cause I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that

I've closed enough windows

to know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone

Or you're sinking like a stone

Carry on

May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground

Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends

at the edge of the night

At a bar off 75

And we talked and talked

about how our parents will die

All our neighbours and wives

But I like to think

I can cheat it all

To make up for the times I've been cheated on

And it's nice to know

When I was left for dead

I was found and now I don't roam these streets

I am not the ghost you want of me

My head is on fire

But my legs are fine

Cause after all they are mine

Lay your clothes down on the floor

Close the door

Hold the phone

Show me how

No one’s ever gonna stop us now

Cause we are

We are shining stars

We are invincible

We are who we are

On our darkest day

When we’re miles away

So we’ll come

We will find our way home

Carry on, carry on

some things

:: - I am now eating kale and asparagus on the daily. Finally learning to like veggies.
:: - Chicagoland drivers are REALLY bad. I don't understand how people in the Midwest can be bad drivers. 90% of people have to drive to get anywhere. How can you be so bad at driving, Chicagoland? Speeding at minimum 20 mph over the limit, not using your turn signals, eating, and talking on the phone are all super dangerous - especially at the same time. Please remember cars are tons of metal and explosive things that can easily kill you and other people. Please.
:: - Travis and I are on a homemade pizza kick.
:: - We haven't seen our roommate Amber for more than five minutes in a week or so. She's really busy.
:: - Why is listening to the radio painful? Maybe I don't know which stations are good?
:: - Only people under the age of 4 think I'm funny. And mostly only when I'm dancing. I think I'm okay with this.
:: - The day after I decided to audition for the Glee Project, I got the flu. And then a cold. And now I have a bad cough. I haven't been able to sing for a couple weeks now.
:: - I am writing this instead of the conclusion of my paper. Why am I procrastinating those last few sentences?
::- I am an enabler. If you want to eat a brownie but say you shouldn't, I will support you in eating that brownie. Don't feel like exercising? Come watch a movie with me. Struggling to write that paper? Take a break and get back to it later.
::- Seeing St. Vincent live was terrifying. I always thought she seems sweet and quirky. She was angry and I half expected her to kill everyone in the audience with her music.
::-There are too many good bands coming to the Chicago area. We actually have to pick and choose because it would be too time consuming and expensive to go to every show. We did however fork out the cash for Feist, Portugal the Man, and Bon Iver. And we're probably going to go to Lykke Li with First Aid Kit. And maybe the National with Local Natives (if it isn't sold out).
::-I get to see my parents and my dog next weekend!
::- Here is a really funny picture:

fortune

oh ya know, just living

i feel like i probably have a lot to update, and i'm sure i'll attempt to sometime soon.

but for now, i just want anyone reading this to know that i am living. nothing particularly extraordinary. just living. soaking up a drive on a beautiful day. taking my time grocery shopping. inhaling freshly cut grass at the keiki football games. squeezing every ounce of love out of a two-year-old's embrace. cherishing home cooked dinners and movie nights in. actually enjoying being broke and succeeding in not spending money. remaining optimistic (most days) and having hope when i go to sleep.

and realizing how particularly extraordinary every day living really is.

On Being (Super)Human

So way back in August, Travis and I made a pact: We would become superhumans. We decided that both of us were at too much of a standstill in our lives -- we could be doing more.

And we made a promise to each other that we would do more. We would form good study and exercise habits, eat well, give time to our family and friends. Go above and beyond our responsibilities to push our limits and stretch our capacities.  We even came up with a secret "sign" that we could give to each other whenever we were out with friends, just to check up on each other and remind the other to put life into action.

Well, time does what it does. The fall semester got crazy and as graduation approached, I felt too stretched. Christmas vacation was a welcome break, and when I returned to the island, I had all these plans to resume my superhumanness. But plans did not go as planned. I liked the new house I was living in, but I never got comfortable. I felt like a guest. It became hard to exercise or eat well consistently. I felt cramped and stuck. Jobs did not work out as I planned, and all the shifting around threw me off. I just felt uneasy. I didn't get enough movement or sunshine, or any of the necessary elements for growing.

Now I am all moved into a new house. It is closer to pretty much everything. I have more space and great light. I feel refreshed and motivated. I got a good workout in this morning, and I have two or three job interviews this week. Summer is coming and life is starting over again.

Superhuman Training Round Two Starts Now!

Notorious T.I.M.E.

i always thought i would have more time when i finished school. more time to read for fun, more time to paint, to exercise, to go to the beach, and more time to catch up with old friends.

false.

well, mostly false. i do have more time - but that more is being filled with more things. i have more time to do more work for inyourspeakers. i have more time to do my lessons plans for work. i have more time to do laundry and clean my room. i have more time to spend with trav's family (aka: more time playing with a couple eight-year-olds and a two-year-old). more time to cook good meals.

and i find myself stuck in the same predicament: enjoying what i'm doing, but feeling like i don't have enough time to do things that i really love to do. i think that means i need to work harder to manage my time. i keep putting off the reading and painting and running as extra things for "when i have time."

and that time just keeps moving with me; as i get closer, it gets farther.

dear world (including self): quit trying to do so much all the time. make time just to live and love living.

HAVE JOY NOW

here's to rama

“Rama’s nature was quiet and free…He knew when to save and when to spend…He could read hearts. He knew his own faults better than the failings of others. He could speak well and reason in a chain of eloquent words. Half a benefit was more to him than a hundred injuries…and he didn’t believe that what he preferred from himself was always best for everyone else.

Rama was kind and courteous and never ill. To harsh words he returned no blame. He was warmhearted and generous and a real friend to all. He tried living right and found it easier than he’d though…He would not scold the whole world nor take to task the universe, and so his pleasure and his anger never went for nothing.

Rama would not work very long without a holiday; he wouldn’t walk far without stopping to greet a friend, nor speak long without smiling…He loved Sita well; he lived his life for the sake of her being a part of it. He would often find a new gift for his friends. He did not fear to pass a whole day without work…Rama’s way was noble.”

 Ramayana (My favorite read of the year. The greatest epic of adventure, trust, loyalty, wisdom, and love. Goal for 2010: Search for wisdom in all good books and mediums. There is goodness sprinkled in all the world has to offer. We just have to make the time to search for it, and listen.)