It has been over six months now since Gram died. I still have a hard time saying it aloud, and even writing it now is not done so without moments of hesitation.
A part of me may have shriveled up and retreated to the depths of my being that day, but the rest of me -- the greater part of me -- is still young and alive and cannot help but suppose (read: completely knows but is struggling to accept) that my grandmother would tell me to stop fussing and get on with my life. She would heartily encourage me to get out and be filled with the kind of appreciation for life that only comes with risk and adventure, with savoring each and every small moment.
"It happened, it's done, and there's no way for you to go back and change it! So what are you so sad about? Crying won't make things better; crying will only make you sad. What are you waiting for? You'll never know all the answers, so you might as well just make up your mind and do something. Memories you make now will keep you going when you just aren't able to do things anymore. You just never want to look back and feel regret. That...that will just leave a bad taste in your mouth."
So now I'm re-thinking my plans. I've spent twenty years playing it safe and sticking to the books...and well, now I'm about to have a Bachelor's Degree and then what? I know what's supposed to come next, but must I be in such a hurry? I feel like it'd be a shame to pass up all of the wonderful opportunities I have at this point in my life.
No need to guess what radical plans I'm now making; I haven't. But I can. And I may just go for it.
A part of me may have shriveled up and retreated to the depths of my being that day, but the rest of me -- the greater part of me -- is still young and alive and cannot help but suppose (read: completely knows but is struggling to accept) that my grandmother would tell me to stop fussing and get on with my life. She would heartily encourage me to get out and be filled with the kind of appreciation for life that only comes with risk and adventure, with savoring each and every small moment.
"It happened, it's done, and there's no way for you to go back and change it! So what are you so sad about? Crying won't make things better; crying will only make you sad. What are you waiting for? You'll never know all the answers, so you might as well just make up your mind and do something. Memories you make now will keep you going when you just aren't able to do things anymore. You just never want to look back and feel regret. That...that will just leave a bad taste in your mouth."
So now I'm re-thinking my plans. I've spent twenty years playing it safe and sticking to the books...and well, now I'm about to have a Bachelor's Degree and then what? I know what's supposed to come next, but must I be in such a hurry? I feel like it'd be a shame to pass up all of the wonderful opportunities I have at this point in my life.
No need to guess what radical plans I'm now making; I haven't. But I can. And I may just go for it.
2 comments:
This post started out so depressing, then turned hopeful and anticipatory. Keep up posted.
just be bright, be young. travel, travel travel.
we only got this one time in life being a younger boy/girl.
make the most of it(as in what you think is most important)
After all the entry you posted, I sure do feel like meeting your grandma, what a great grandma.
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