open up

i finally finalized my schedule for next semester. anyone want to take a night art class with me on thursdays? also looking forward to world music cultures and postcolonial lit and film.

in other news:

i just found out a good friend was hit by a car a couple weeks ago...and i had no idea! hearing this made me realize how much i've been absorbed in myself lately. there are so many people around me struggling and stressing, and getting hit by cars! goodness, where are my eyes looking and where is my heart?!

a boy from my hometown was killed yesterday. maybe two. others injured. the community is torn apart. people may die every day, but people do not die every day in dayton, ia.

my stresses don't feel like such a big deal when i come up for air. maybe i should come up for air a little more often.


anyways, what i really wanted to say was, please remember those around you. there are people who love you and people who need your love. don't hold back, give it freely. what do you have to lose?

i know what i want. or what i don't.

i've been super stressed and overwhelmed with decisions flying at me the past few weeks. and i finally know what i want:

okay, so i know i can't actually just travel and dance and make a cute little movie out of it, and make a life of it. BUT, i do know, more than anything, what is NOT in store for me in the next year or so. I know I'm not supposed to be in the US! I just know it! Sorry Mom, no GRE's, no California or Utah, no Louisiana or New York. I can just feel that now is my time to get out and see the world.

You see, knowing what's not in store is easier. We define things by what they are not (thanks Kenneth Burke!). The table is what it is, because it is not a chair or the floor or any other object in the room. Funny though, the negative isn't even a natural thing -- it's purely man-made for our defining purposes; it's how we make sense of our world. Even when we are describing a not, we say "It is not." Here's an example of the positive, not the negative, in nature. It is 72 degrees outside. Or, it is 73 degrees. It can never be just not 72 degrees, because not 72 degrees would mean it must be some other degrees. So when I say I know what I'm not supposed to do, it opens the doors for all the other available options.

In terms of people, she is kind because she is not unkind. And he is African because he is not from Asia, or America, or Europe, or any other place. And I am who I am because I am not a whole nother realm. So, if I've not been around the world, who or what does that make me? And if I go those places, and eliminate that not, what happens?

Anyway, I think what scares me most is going off by myself. Finding an excuse to see the world, and actually doing it would be so much easier with another person at my side. But, I can't expect or count on that happening.

I want to travel and see all the wonderful faces of the world. I want to smell the crazy smells, and eat foods that will probably disrupt my tender digestive system. I want to see years of goodness in peoples' faces, to see their sorrow, and to learn what it is to love. I want to step foot on all of God's good lands, and dance!

I want to dance for joy, to dance to feel my body move! To be awake and alive!

nature without check with original energy

"for every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you"

walt whitman. song of myself (above). song of the open road (below).

"now i see the secret of the making of the best persons, it is to grow in the open air and to eat and sleep with the earth. "

souled out!!!

meet the man with a hold on my heart right now:

conor oberst. brilliant musician, genius lyricist, and beautiful performer. (really, he is not creepy-looking and actually rather attractive in person.)

if you haven't listened to bright eyes or conor oberst and the mystic valley band, check him/them out! absolutely amazing. i can't even remember how long this man has been playing in my stereo, but i never want him to stop.

he started to play guitar when he was ten or so, and started performing music at age 13, releasing his first album in 1993.

i don't even know what to say. he played an incredible show. astounding. wonderful. i couldn't stop grinning, a man in his 50's beside me couldn't stop crying. some people wove their bodies in and out of the notes and some stood frozen in awe. i began the night as an ice block, but as the room heated up, i melted into a splashing, dancing puddle with no control over my body or the drops of music coming at me.

let's just say i was thoroughly impressed. and the other band members? golly these guys are great.

taylor hollingsworth

shredded and wailed on his guitar. made it look like a piece of cake. also completely fried and bobbed his head hilariously like a metronome.

nik freitas

started out the night with his solo stuff. nice voice, kinda jazzy. had some swing in him. rocked out on the far left with his guitar.

macey taylor

kinda looked like a creeper at first, but awesome bassist.

nate walcott

took his stance at the organ, but really came alive when he hit the keys on "i don't wanna die in the hospital" some serious skills! oh and he did a little trumpet/french horn for us too.

jason boesel

also plays the guitar and sings. very impressive. born here on oahu! sat behind the drums. charming.

all in all. a great night. wish i had my camera. wish i had a camera.

(oh my goodness. i just love a man in a good sweater. collette always teases me because there is nothing i find more attractive that a nice sweater/sweater vest, or a sharp pair of glasses.)

l'amoureuse

why am i on such a blogging roll right now? i do not know. i've become more and more restless and less and less motivated to do anything i'm supposed to do. i promise i'm not spending all my time on the computer though -- mostly sleeping, drawing, and playing with my roomie and the neighbor boys.

anyway, i just can't get enough of carla bruni or this song:

grat-ti-tude

So, instead of doing the homework I woke up early to do, I'm blogging. Yesterday President Monson spoke about gratitude. I haven't had a camera for awhile now, but here's some things I love and am very very grateful for:

another sunny day

Sun Rays peered from their post, and reaching too far, slipped and plummeted to Earth; Gravity hungrily gobbled Rays, Heat spreading as the two merged. Invisible fiery strands had never met such a beautiful Force, and they licked up every piece of Earth on the way down. And those Sun Rays dove deep deep to where Earth ceased to be solid, but churned and turned in Warmth.


Door open. Click. Door shut. Bare Feet with Painted Toes stretched forth, wiggling about to feel the cool breeze. The feet padded across the warm pavement -- picking up dust and succumbing to Pebbles nibbling upon soft flesh. Step step step. Stop. Car zooms by. Step step step and Grass. Short, stiff Grass struggles against all Tree -- heavy leaves, mangled roots, and fallen spiny shells; Grass has to be strong to live in those conditions. Foot arches as spines press into skin, toes curling under. Lighter, quicker steps now.


Earth spins very very slowly as it churns. Clouds amble along the forever summer sky, catching stray clumsy Rays in its light hammock.


Sand. Painted Toes dig in with relief, diving eagerly into softer, smaller Pebbles, tugging the rest of Foot along. Plop. Toes pull entire Body down, and they all relax together as Gravity kisses both Sun and Bum.


As more and more of those curious Rays fall from space, Clouds become heavy. This new weight is sad and hard -- a cloud only wishes to lie in the sky, unbothered in her sea of blue. Tears swell with the arrival of more unwelcome guests.


Drip. Drop.


Splat. A cold, wet tear splashes upon Warm skin. Goosebumps raise in surprise, then resistance. Shivers race as another drop slams onto Nose. The cold seeps into rosy skin, and the trail of bumps pulls Toes from their sandy fort. Feet become uncomfortable and prepare for reaction.


Cloud could not be consoled. Tender and young, her view lasts only minutes ahead, and those minutes have been spoiled by Strangers.


Unbothered, Earth tilts into her slow and joyful circle, still churning soupy warmth below.


Body pushes up, and Feet dig down into dry, untouched sand. And now out into the air. And back down. Step.Step.Step. Quickly beneath weepy Cloud.


The guilty Rays, fallen from their post, leap from the grieved cloud, ashamed. Refuge awaits.


Earth folds upon herself in splendid bliss below.