dear joel

I've spent my entire life missing someone.

I suppose I should explain. I'm going to try to do this, but the only way I can describe it is a little strange. And you can bet if it sounds strange, then it sure as heck feels strange. But, it is part of me, and I am still trying to figure that out.

I am a natural born giver. There is just something in me that doesn't feel satisfied hogging all the goodness I see. Now, people are always giving to people, and I try to do that as much as I can, but often I find myself giving to everything. When the day is so beautiful, your soul aches to gobble up the sun and cozy up for a nap in the clouds, gulping the cool breeze down like a glass of lemonade, I cannot help but break off a little piece of me to send off with the birds and the butterflies and all the winged things to stay forever in the wonder of that day. Sometimes when I hear a lovely song, the same sort of thing happens. The notes unravel and soar in and out of me, feasting until I'm left with all sorts of bites missing. Sounds a little morbid, I know, but something happens to me. Physically, spiritually, the whole kabob -- a part of me takes off with everything beautiful that stops by.

Sometimes Beauty will leave me a little something behind -- I've got leaves twisted in my hair and a flower behind my ear, butterflies in my stomach, and a sweet taste on my lips. There is music in between all my nerves, running and racing with every stimulation. I've got color on my skin and lovely faces behind my eyes -- planting soft kisses when I dream. And then there are the hands -- all these extra hands wrapped up in my heart -- squeezing and pumping it for me. I feel pulled in a million directins and I can hardly sort out what's happening with the music racing and those wings flapping at my sides, the roots settling in just when I'm ready to move.

But amidst all this hubub, this blessed chaos, there is one still spot, right at the very core of me. It is hollowed out and smooth. The sounds and shades skip around it, and it sits and it waits. It's a wonder how a person can feel so lonely, even with a whole world growing inside of them.

I miss my brother.