where has the time gone

tomorrow is my LAST last day of fall classes.
already. only 6 more months and i am a college graduate.

i am charlie bartlett and i am not alone

my new favorite movie:

Charlie Bartlett. Tale of a charming young hooligan, trying to save the world -- or at least his high school. The actor is a cute, young Russian, Anton Yelchin, and the film also features the lovely Kat Dennings. A bunch of messed up kids realize they aren't alone with the help of fancy-pants Charlie. There's love, drugs, and plently of hilarious lines in between the magic that's happening. Mmm, how I enjoyed it.

Here's a favorite scene:

Charlie Bartlett: I just think you're missing the big picture.
Kip Crombwell: What big picture?
Charlie Bartlett: The universe.
Kip Crombwell: What about the universe?
Charlie Bartlett: Well, the universe is a pretty big place.
Kip Crombwell: Yea. It's infinite, theoretically.
Charlie Bartlett: Right, which means there's probably life on other planets.
Kip Crombwell: Not life like we think, but yeah. Probably at least single-cell organisms.
Charlie Bartlett: Well, see, that's my whole point. I mean you could've been born a single cell organism on the planet Zortex. In fact, given the odds, it's probably more likely, but you weren't. You were born a human being. And not just any human being in the history of human beings, but a human being that gets to be alive today. That gets to listen to all kinds of music, that gets to eat food from every culture, that gets to download porn off the internet. So really, you have everything to live for.
[pause]
Charlie Bartlett: Do you feel better?
Kip Crombwell: Not really.

Just trust me; check it out!

i know what i want. or what i don't.

i've been super stressed and overwhelmed with decisions flying at me the past few weeks. and i finally know what i want:

okay, so i know i can't actually just travel and dance and make a cute little movie out of it, and make a life of it. BUT, i do know, more than anything, what is NOT in store for me in the next year or so. I know I'm not supposed to be in the US! I just know it! Sorry Mom, no GRE's, no California or Utah, no Louisiana or New York. I can just feel that now is my time to get out and see the world.

You see, knowing what's not in store is easier. We define things by what they are not (thanks Kenneth Burke!). The table is what it is, because it is not a chair or the floor or any other object in the room. Funny though, the negative isn't even a natural thing -- it's purely man-made for our defining purposes; it's how we make sense of our world. Even when we are describing a not, we say "It is not." Here's an example of the positive, not the negative, in nature. It is 72 degrees outside. Or, it is 73 degrees. It can never be just not 72 degrees, because not 72 degrees would mean it must be some other degrees. So when I say I know what I'm not supposed to do, it opens the doors for all the other available options.

In terms of people, she is kind because she is not unkind. And he is African because he is not from Asia, or America, or Europe, or any other place. And I am who I am because I am not a whole nother realm. So, if I've not been around the world, who or what does that make me? And if I go those places, and eliminate that not, what happens?

Anyway, I think what scares me most is going off by myself. Finding an excuse to see the world, and actually doing it would be so much easier with another person at my side. But, I can't expect or count on that happening.

I want to travel and see all the wonderful faces of the world. I want to smell the crazy smells, and eat foods that will probably disrupt my tender digestive system. I want to see years of goodness in peoples' faces, to see their sorrow, and to learn what it is to love. I want to step foot on all of God's good lands, and dance!

I want to dance for joy, to dance to feel my body move! To be awake and alive!

nature without check with original energy

"for every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you"

walt whitman. song of myself (above). song of the open road (below).

"now i see the secret of the making of the best persons, it is to grow in the open air and to eat and sleep with the earth. "

"you're not silly, you're human."

Some observations and conversations of the past few weeks:


1) I am a know-it-all. And you probably are too. So often we've a plan for our lives -- a great plan. THE PLAN. But maybe we're off. Maybe I'm off. I think I know what's best for myself, but I don't always. Sometimes I need to cut the rope -- trust that the Lord has something in store for me, even if I can't see it. Why are you putting off a good thing? Why wait? Maybe you're more ready than you think. Maybe I'm more ready than I think. Maybe I think too much.

2) The power of one. And yes, I believe that is an EFY song this year. Yeah yeahhh! It always amazes me how just one small happening can change everything. One hello. One phone call. One chance meeting. One wrong step. One bad word. One right word. One look straight in the eye. One day together. One month apart. Everything changes.

3) The power of many. Goals set in groups go so much farther. Collette and I have set work out goals -- it is so much easier to be healthier, stronger, and more committed when you are working alongside someone equally as committed. I'm sure that carries to so many other life venues. I was talking about this with my home teachers. Here's an example: A clean house. If not all the members of the house are committed to working together to keep it clean, there will be tension. Some people will put work in and get cheesed the others are slacking. The slackers will be annoyed by the nagging cheesed-off-ed-ers. Set a goal as a house. Everyone puts some effort in. More happy faces. Less nasty crap on the counters. Life is good.

4) New leaves make all the difference. Maybe it's fall. I love autumn so much. My mom called the other day and was describing the changes to me, and those bits of my heart back at home throbbed and thudded all the way to Hawaii. I want those golden fields and stacks of hay. I want the crunchy grass and colorful leaves. I want the chilly air, warm sweaters, and cozy scarves. Instead I have blue skies, warm, thick air, and endless salt water. I honestly can't complain. I live in Freaking Hawaii. But, there is just something about the shedding of leaves, the cleansing winter blankets of snow, and the new growth in spring that just gets to me. Collette and I have been setting goals (see #3) and "turning over new leaves" about every week. We are trying to kill off our bad habits and replace them with a shiny, pleasing new leaf. Being better makes me feel better. Please know I'm trying.

5) I hate Relief Society. Why? I don't know. I can come up with reasons and then I end up contradicting myself. I'm the epitome of relief society. WHY?!! And how did I get this way? I bake cookies, I give Valentines to the mail ladies and the cooks, I send homemade Christmas cards, I cut hair, I have a craft box, I wear grandma sweaters, I talk like my grandma, I sew with my grandma, I drive like a grandma, I like to chat with old people, and I'm everyone's mom's best friend. These aren't bad things. But I want to be sincere. And I think I am sincere, and maybe this is why I have a problem with Relief Society -- it just seems so fake to me! The appearance that has to be kept up -- straight lines, cutesy handouts, centerpieces, sugar cookies, overly-excited faces, stories about lost lambs, fellowshipping sisters. I know these all have good intentions, and heck, I love cutesy crap and sugar cookies more than anything. I'm pretty sure I'm over-excited 87 or so percent of the time, and I want to be everybody's friend. But I mean this. Maybe as I work in the Relief Society, I'll see things a little differently. Maybe I'm just being too skeptical to see the sincerity.

6) Actions speak louder than words. Your talk does nothing for me. When it comes to people, I need to see it to believe it. Really, since when did I lose trust in others' honesty and sincerity?

Scratch that. I think I know. But, you know what, NEW LEAF. The past is the past, and all people are different. You're lovely and I love you no matter what.

I'm gonna go make picture frames with Jesus.

hoopla

Today in Narratives, Culture, and Identity, we discussed personal narratives and the family novel. I feel so strange after class. I feel so drained of excess energy, and well, excess everything. Now I don't carry any extra weight, but I don't feel light either. I feel like I poured my self out into a glass and watched the densest parts sink and the others rise. At the end of class, I drank my self again, every bit sliding back into it's proper place.

But if I'm used to living and thinking and feeling and being the way I was before, how do I adjust? I've never felt things in their proper place, and I feel I should act differently now. I am different now.

I'm just learning a lot. I've got theory coming out my earballs. Poetries, philosophies, histories, spiritualities, mysteries, peripheries (okay so I kinda just threw the last couple on there for fun) lining all of my insides, and coming in, sliding down, circling around, and going back out a little strangely. Strange in a good way. I think.

Hoopla.

I am Erika, and I have spoken.

tao whachoo gotta tao

So this fall I'm taking Cultures of Asia, which is not nearly as exciting as I hoped, but oh well. The rest of my classes are great, BTW!

Anyway, right now I'm reading about Taoism, and I am so glad to be reading about Taoism. I fell in love with it a year ago during World Religions. I particularly fell in love with The Tao of Pooh. I highly recommend reading this book at some point in your life. Now would probably be a good time, but you know, let it happen when it happens.



The reading I'm looking at for class has some fantastic quotes about the Tao:

"The Tao has represented the [...] gentleman in his private chamber or mountain retreat, seeking surcease from the cares of official life, perhaps a little drunk, but more likely intoxicated from the beauties of nature or of the world of the spirit."

You see, the Tao is nature as it should be. It is The Way. The Tao is "undivided unity in which all the contradictions and distinctions of existence are ultimately dissolved."

Following the Tao is acting (or rather, not acting - wu wei) and letting things be as they should be. You do what you do, don't interfere, don't worry, don't meddle, and let the Tao run it's course. All things will fall into place if you let them.

Wu wei is like water:

"Of all things weak and yielding in the world,
None is more so than water.
But for attacking what is unyielding and strong,
Nothing is superior to it,
Nothing can take its place.

That the weak overcomes the strong,
And the yielding overcomes the unyielding,
Everyone knows this,
But no one can translate it into action."

The Tao of Pooh is great because it uses the characters and stories to illustrate Taoism. Pooh is simple, right? Pooh is just Pooh and doesn't try to be anything but Pooh. And sometimes things go his way, sometimes they don't. But it always works out on the end.

The Owl is too busy being a smarty-pants to really pay much attention to the way things really are. Eeyore is too busy feeling sorry for himself and wishing things to be different than they are to ever actually achieve anything. Tigger bounces around too much to be aware of the world around him, and Rabbit is too busy trying to control everything to ever get anything done! But Pooh, dear Pooh, is just Pooh.

That's what wu wei -- nonaction/inaction/acting without action is about. Not worrying too much or pushing against nature, but knowing yourself, being aware, and letting life happen. Be free. Be love.

tag, you're it

Well, actually, I'm it. I just noticed this morning that Miss Courtney tagged me in her blog, and for once, I'm going to play along.

I am.....

I am inbetween
not gone, not arrived
going nowhere, making plans
still growing
at my maximum height
loving where i am
and longing to be elsewhere
tip toeing the shoreline
clapping hands, playing games
moving in and out and up
in and out and full of love
busy hands, racing feet
slow heart heavy beat
ready. reluctant.
waiting to begin,
already in the game.
i am pieces, patterns,
this and that.
still stitching it all together.

now, i suppose the i will tag wallace, because i am for sure he looks at this from time to time.

right now i'm in california, staying with a lovely family that mostly wants me here, but that little edge of doubt has me in the room with the door shut, still writing poorly. i can't wait to get back to my hawaii home and jump back into my life.

musing aboard a modern flying machine

July 30 or 31st

I've never seen a grander sunset than through a 12x6 window with the blind half pulled. I smashed my face against the glass, watching the white clouds bunch and bulge into cotton balls; the ocean looked calm and flat beneath. And the horizon, oh the horizon stretched as far as I could see: the boldest, clearest rainbow I have ever witnessed. It was as if the heavens poured every ounce of thick paint into those heavily saturated skies. I pried my eyes open wider, and pressed my nose flatter -- the steely grey wing interrupted my view. I always choose a window seat. Always on the wing. I thought I knew why, but I don't. Not really.

You know, I always thought some things about being in the sky. In the years before my first plane ride, I was convinced I would pack a jar. Once we ascended into those gorgeous white puffs, I would open my window and catch some cloud. Of course, I was a thoroughly disappointed 15-year-old who should have had more sense. You can't keep the sky with you on the ground.

I also always supposed being in an airplane at night would project me right into the midst of the stars -- surely they couldn't be more than a few thousand feet from the ground. It took an astronomy class my junior year of college to figure that one out. Being in the sky doesn't bring you any closer to the stars.

Did you know that every single element is created in the stars? Those burning balls of hydrogen, helium, carbon etc...somehow have worked together to form an incredibly and incomprehensibly beautiful Earth. I mean, I know God had a whole lot to do with it, but still. Simply outstanding.

Tonight, as I gaze out the window, I see a few stars. I guess I'd rather be looking at the from the beach. I glanced down and saw city lights. We've crossed the ocean, and now have half a country to go. This if the first time in my life I've looked at city lights and felt breathless. The ground below is glowing -- hot coals, lightening bugs, Christmas lights, lava pits, glow sticks, clusters of stars --- the milky way galaxy tipped upside down.

Anyway, I suppose the point is that I've always glorified being in the sky: my dreams of an airplane ride, sitting atop a farris wheel, climbing to the uppermost branches of a tree, or swinging nearly up and around the pole that held the set together. Now, I love being in the sky -- I do. There is a beautiful in-betweeness to it: reality but unreality -- escape from all the world below, release into the elements. But, as I (slowly) grow older and (more quickly) grow up, I cherish the moments with my feet planted firmly on the ground. Living in and on what is around me. Enjoying my place int he world. Experiencing instead of observing from about. As attractive as unreality is, there is just something absolutely charming about really living.

Novel idea, hmm?

where else is there?

Last week I was an EFY counselor. It was absolutely amazing, but I have never been so tired in my entire life. I will have to write about all of that soon. Long story short --- I fell in love with a bunch of amazing people.

Last night Eesh, Ang, and I went to Sunset for sunset. It was incredible. I love living in Hawaii. I forget I am in Hawaii every other day. That is a shame. I have such a great life. Last night the sun reflected onto the water, doubling the sunset as the sun fell from the sky and sunk into the ocean waves. The sky turned a beautiful orange, yellow, and pink -- a tropical watercolor complete with palm trees and sand in my our toes.

Well as we were enjoying our makeshift Foodland dinners on my blue and tan beach blanket, an old man with a parrot comes by. He is wearing a tank top and spandex. His hair is white and short, his skin tanned leather, and his limbs long and lanky. He had gloves and a pretty white bird on a leash. He wandered down towards the water, just playing with his bird and glancing around to see who is watching. At first I thought "Oh great. Here comes an old bum trying to make money off the tourists with his bird tricks." But he didn't walk over to bother anyone. He just walked around, sometimes standing still for several minutes, watching the sunset and his flapping bird.

It made me sad. The longer I watched the man, the sadder I felt. He looked so lonely there in his skin and bones with the glow of the day easing down behind him. He noticed us staring several times and finally came over to chat. His bird's name is Nieli -- Nosy. He has been living in Hawaii since he finished college. When we asked him if he lives around here (meaning Sunset) he replied "Where else is there?" One day he saw a hurt bird and his heart went out to it. He's been buying birds for pets and rescuing/recovering birds for awhile now. He has 16 birds. Mostly small like Nieli, but a couple big ones. I assume that he lives by himself. I wonder if he had a wife, a family. Where are they now.

He comes every night to watch the sunset. He brings a few of his birds out, one by one, to feel the fresh air, to play in the sand, and to see the sun reflect on the water before it goes to sleep. He takes a $2 yoga class over at Waimea Falls in the mornings. He invited us -- "If you don't have your own mat, you have to get there early. The instructor only brings a few. He's a really great teacher. Talks you through each move. I love it."

He invited us back to see his other birds at the sunset. Not tomorrow though, he said. I won't be there tomorrow. But you girls probably have better things to do than sit and talk with an old man on the beach.

We had to leave soon after, but we thanked him and assured him we'd probably see him at some other sunset. We walked to the car and he followed us on his bike to say a few more words.

I never want to have 16 birds.

we are in the perfect place for being us right now

Lauren said that the other morning when we were hiking. Lauren, Brittany, and I wandered back into the mountains, through some fields, up the mountain, and into a tree house. A very comfortable and very amazing tree house. But that's beside the point.

The point is, she's right. I am in the perfect place for me to be me. I have good friends, a great life. Plenty of superb opportunities. Life is good.

Yesterday Mark was talking about luck and opportunity. Good luck is being prepared so we can grab hold of opportunities that come our way.

Do whatchoo gotta do, and good things be a comin' yo way.

Anywho:

My car is finally legal. That only took about a month and way too much money. I am, however, a master stick shift driver. Ask me for a ride. You won't regret it. I've missed driving so much. Getting a car was a great choice. Putting on a good cd, rolling down the windows, and imagining closing my eyes and enjoying the warm summer air (I couldn't actually close my eyes driving, could I) is one of the greatest feelings. I just love my thinking time in the car.

There are few things I enjoy more than a cool glass of water, a beautiful drive, and a cozy cuddly afternoon nap.

Oh, and chocolate milk.

dear joel

I've spent my entire life missing someone.

I suppose I should explain. I'm going to try to do this, but the only way I can describe it is a little strange. And you can bet if it sounds strange, then it sure as heck feels strange. But, it is part of me, and I am still trying to figure that out.

I am a natural born giver. There is just something in me that doesn't feel satisfied hogging all the goodness I see. Now, people are always giving to people, and I try to do that as much as I can, but often I find myself giving to everything. When the day is so beautiful, your soul aches to gobble up the sun and cozy up for a nap in the clouds, gulping the cool breeze down like a glass of lemonade, I cannot help but break off a little piece of me to send off with the birds and the butterflies and all the winged things to stay forever in the wonder of that day. Sometimes when I hear a lovely song, the same sort of thing happens. The notes unravel and soar in and out of me, feasting until I'm left with all sorts of bites missing. Sounds a little morbid, I know, but something happens to me. Physically, spiritually, the whole kabob -- a part of me takes off with everything beautiful that stops by.

Sometimes Beauty will leave me a little something behind -- I've got leaves twisted in my hair and a flower behind my ear, butterflies in my stomach, and a sweet taste on my lips. There is music in between all my nerves, running and racing with every stimulation. I've got color on my skin and lovely faces behind my eyes -- planting soft kisses when I dream. And then there are the hands -- all these extra hands wrapped up in my heart -- squeezing and pumping it for me. I feel pulled in a million directins and I can hardly sort out what's happening with the music racing and those wings flapping at my sides, the roots settling in just when I'm ready to move.

But amidst all this hubub, this blessed chaos, there is one still spot, right at the very core of me. It is hollowed out and smooth. The sounds and shades skip around it, and it sits and it waits. It's a wonder how a person can feel so lonely, even with a whole world growing inside of them.

I miss my brother.

so this is the new year

1 January 2008

Today is January 1st, 2008. It is 12:40am and I am sitting on the cold carpeted floor of my colorful bedroom in my beautiful home in the dead of winter in Dayton, Iowa. The chill and late nights are beginning to get to me and I can feel my throat tightening and grinding with each inhale and exhale. This past semester has trained my body and mind to stay awake late, and I'm finding it hard to break that habit here at "home."

As I listen to the sounds of a noisy heater and quiet house, my mind races with eagerness for the future. The past months have been tough -- full of illness, regrets, and let-downs -- yet I feel I've learned and loved so much. I have had a taste and I want more. Every romantic plotline, in film, song, or prose brings my heart to teeth, pounding with fury at the taste of love and adventure and life. I can hardly wait to see what life will bring me. Though I've made some hefty mistakes, I am more resolved and determined than ever to both seek the best and let the tao do its thing. My Heavenly Father has blessed me so much and I want to find a way to let go and let Him lead me as I skip after with childlike eagerness and heart.

I want to make something, do something, be something! I am not out to change the world, but to change myself and to mean something to somebody. I want to offer myself up and be some kind of sliver of truth -- to be a part of something beautiful, to give hope and to give light.

Though I love my life at BYUH, I can't imagine staying in one place for long. I want to travel and study -- see what this glorious earth and its brilliant lives have to offer. I want to fall in love with a set of mountains, to dig my toes in the sand of a beach, to lie in a lush meadow, to grace my eyes with the arts and sounds of architects and poets. I want to feel the earth and taste the sky with every day -- to dance with joy at the sun and the rain and the moon, marvelling at a majesty far grander than my own comprehension.

While my mind has wandered into a field of daffodils and kisses, my toes are becoming numb and my toosh sore from the concrete below the abused grey carpet. My sleepy eyes burn and my nose drips a little. I am brought back to the present where I am unhappy with my body, my living arrangements, with my past, and with the weather. The future, full of realized hopes and dreams, seems so warm and inviting. A bout of chills shakes my being and the tiny goosebumps covering my skin remind me where I am: now. the tao. here. this moment. Soon it will be gone and never another quite like it. Men are that they might have joy, now.

So what am I waiting for?

read this book

6 June 2007

"son of a witch"

"A notion of character, not so much discredited as simply forgotten, once held that people only came into themselves partway through their lives. They woke up, were they lucky enough to have consciousness, in the act of doing something they already knew how to do: feeding themseves with currants. Walking the dog. Knotting up a broken bootlace. Singing antiphonally in the choir. Suddenly: This is I, I am the girl singing this alto line off-key, I am the boy loping after the dog, and I can see myself doing it as, presumably the dog cannot see itself. How peculiar! I lift on my toes at the end of the dock, to dive into the lake because I am hot, and while isolated like a specimen in the glassy slide of summer, the notions of hot and lake and I converge into a consciousness of consciousness--in an instant, in between launch and landing, even before I cannonball into the lake, shattering both my reflection and my old notion of myself."

it's a beautiful day

3 January 2007

Yesterday I woke up feeling like cool rain and warm sunshine.
I walked outside and basked in the feeling of being alive. Beneath my feet the earth turned and churned. But my feet stayed planted and I moved with nature. Soon the soil gave birth and life sprung up all around me, entangling me in its goodness. And still I stood planted. I closed my eyes and hummed with the heavens as I became a part of the sun and the rain.